adllto world

stressful times

2010-11-16T21:59:00.003-05:00

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Psalm 42

I covet prayer. I desire prayers said. Iris needs a covering of prayer as the situation at home comes to a very difficult point.

I'm so stressed that I left home leaving the front door open all afternoon Monday. I'm stretched caring deeply about a situation thousands of miles away. There I am the the cause or a key factor of so much pain. Here I'm stretched as Auntie Mary has the big C again and I'm called to make decisions about the future and her care. So where is my God?

All I can hold is simple hope. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Clearing and Decluttering

2010-11-04T10:20:00.003-04:00

I think I've cleared around a thousand books and I still cannot achieve the ten percent open space that this video suggests. But then again I've gotten rid of 4 book cases already.

Day 13 - 20/20 Home Cure - Fall 2010 from maxwell gillingham-ryan on Vimeo.

I need to reclaim space so that I can welcome Iris and have space for her and truly nurturing space for our life together.

Stress and Strain of feeding

2010-10-29T21:45:00.005-04:00

Another week has gone by. Now I'm trying to squeeze a visit to the hospital each day. Aunt Mary is improving - sitting up in bed and feeding herself. But she is picky and not eating anywhere enough food. Tonight I asked the nursing station to order 2 puddings preferably chocolate. The trouble is no-one has enough time to note how much food she is actually eating. Half a cup of turnip perhaps a few small pieces of meat, 1 tablespoon of mashed potato some juice, and a pudding is not enough. The trouble is chewing and swallowing demands too much effort for her. But she also has no appetite except for good tasting food. So I had to mix margarine and black pepper with the turnip and she was more willing to eat a little more.

Somehow this applies to all aspects of the human person. Not just physical food. What is spiritual nutrition? There is meditative prayer which is a human actively engaged and which requires effort but as Teresa of Avila points out this requires great effort. I do believe we need to to really cultivate the "be still and know" type of prayer. Contemplative prayer requires active passivity and in many ways it is a receiving. Neuroscience has already noted that when we gain insight our brain chemistry changes and hormones are released. I think we could say that insights gained from sitting with God in contemplative prayer are the spices and flavourings which can encourage us to take care of our nutritional needs more fully.

Health and stress

2010-10-26T14:43:00.005-04:00

Willingness implies a surrendering of one’s self-separateness, an entering into, an immersion in the deepest processes of life itself. It is a realization that one already is a part of some ultimate cosmic process and it is a commitment to participation in that process. In contrast, willfulness is the setting of oneself apart from the fundamental essence of life in an attempt to master, direct, control, or otherwise manipulate existence. More simply, willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment. Willfulness is saying no, or perhaps more commonly, ‘yes, but…’ Gerald May

The great stress researcher Hans Selye identified two type of stress good and bad. It was not on the external circumstances rather on our response. I've just finished Gerald May's The Dark Night of the Soul. It is a challenging book written both critically and personally. I could not help but remember that he was a cancer survivor and awaiting a heart transplant which never came. The importance of hope is something in the midst of stress can be trust with some reason or simply with no logical reason.

I'm in the midst of stress as Auntie Mary is back in hospital. I went to her place Sunday afternoon and there was no answer. I got a key to her place a few months ago for exactly this type of situation. Opening the door I had that fear of the unknown what was I going to find? The place was empty but odd! had she gone out? but without her cane or walker? Getting home I found a stack of phone message from all sorts of people and I rushed to Toronto East General to find her lying on a stretcher in the hallway. She's still in emergency 3 days later but at least in a room waiting for a bed upstairs. I'm glad she used her panic button to call for help but it was the third fall in 10 days. What was disturbing was her story of gypsies dancing nearby who woke her up and how beautiful the scene was. Fortunately the doctors think this is a by-product of an infection she is carrying. The stress is daily visiting and determining her future.

But Iris's father has just had a tumor removed from the bowel in a difficult operation. It seems to have gone well but more stress. The stress of not being together has made life difficult. The stress of my own wait for an appointment with an endocrinologist about a growth on one of my adrenal glands. This all adds up but the challenge is in how we respond to crisis and trouble and distress. I'm left with reflections again about the nature of hope as fierce faith in times of difficulty which is also fear's faith in these moment. Gerald May talks of a raw or naked hope in times of darkness when it is difficult to see anything clearly.

In the contemplative tradition the transition from meditation to contemplation is one from willfulness to willingness. This is an important movement as meditation is a personally active action where one applies the will to move oneself towards a state. Thus it is willful. But contemplation is personally passive action where one is willing and open without conditions and in fact freed of attachments to outcomes. Of course this is an ideal but only momentary at best. Yet when we pray in the Lord's Prayer Thy[your] will be done it is exactly this state we are desiring.

plastic problems

2010-10-22T22:22:00.003-04:00

Ever since the growth was found on my adrenal glands and since trying to be more healthy and read The Story of Stuff I've been thinking about plastics.

Dealing with the past

2010-10-16T16:53:00.003-04:00

I'm doing a lot of logotherapy - reading to work on issues in my life. Counseling and spiritual direction have really helped to bring into the open my life history and events in the past which have sucked life out of me. This book out of the library turned out quite important.

The Secrets of the Bulletproof Spirit: How to Bounce Back from Life's Hardest Hits by Azim Khamisa

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book is difficult to categorize. It's definitely not theology but has a lot to say in the area of spirituality and even relevance to the Christian believer. It's not psychology but it speaks to a person's inner life and their response to emotional troubles. It's not philosophy but has a lot to say about the way we think and process life.

It's all about how can we be different so we can recover from life's tough blows. It is about resilience both emotional and spiritual.When we are hit by disappointments, losses, betrayals, and tragedies how can we bounce back afterwards or prepare for the next time. Hits in life are inevitable and we will feel them. The two authors Azim Khamisa and Jillian Quinn want to persuade us that there is deep inside each person a spirit, a spiritual core, our true self. We are not our thoughts, feelings, or emotions, nor our possessions, roles, nor abilities.

There is a lot of good and helpful stuff in the 30 supposed secrets, though I'd call them commonsense. Two key ideas caught me as spiritual commonsense but I needed to be reminded of them. First is the importance of spiritual hygiene, what I know as spiritual disciplines, which contribute to spiritual and emotional resilience. of course I looked at that in terms of spiritual growth but not in terms of resiliency the ability to recover more quickly. Another which seemed logical not to deny my desires but to accept them (when wholesome) and yet to be detached from whether they are in fact met or not. Profound, simple, and very logical but important when life disappoints and dreams don't happen.

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Achieving techno-literacy or being a good beginner

2010-10-02T20:56:00.004-04:00

Before you can master a device, program or invention, it will be superseded; you will always be a beginner. Get good at it. Kevin Kelly New York Times

This is probably the longest title for one of my blog entries. My boss told me today to clear the voice message box on my cell. Strangely I have no idea even how to access the box yet alone empty it. The trouble is most of the time we're surviving with tech toys because it is obsolete the moment we get it. But my argument here is he wants me to learn how to use something he wants to use but I don't want! Ignorance is bliss it is stress removing. Kevin Kelly author of an article in the New York Times has made me think more deeply about this.

We don’t need expertise with every invention; that is not only impossible, it’s not very useful. Rather, we need to be literate in the complexities of technology in general, as if it were a second nature.

It's not a matter of proficiency because we become slaves of the machine or we suffer loss because we operate how the technology wants us to use it. It is a matter of literacy so we can puzzle things out and how to do things the way we want to. The trouble is I'm late arrival on cell phones having been a user for less than 2 years. I'm happily ignorant. But ask me how to get something working or recover something that used to work and doesn't work now on one of my computers and generally I am pretty successful. Email is my preferred dimension of communication. Why because I am not oppressed by it. I can choose to deal with it or ignore it for a time. It does not control me. I like texting because it's the same but I'm slow because the multi buttons and intelligent or at least semi-intelligent input troubles me because it is counter intuitive.

Kevin Kelly writes further wisdom -

Every new technology will bite back. The more powerful its gifts, the more powerfully it can be abused. Look for its costs.

For me it is the cost is the tyranny of the urgent. The phone back home cost per call so no-one simply called for a time-wasting chat because every second cost money. But the phone and cell-phone put us in the urgent deal-with-me-now situation applying a lot of pressure.

Well how does this apply to the spiritual life? Internet addiction, crackberry habit, the desperate need to keep up with other so-called friends reveals something important. So how many Facebook friends do you have? Does that friend include God? How do I measure that friendship.

I believe, like media literacy, the development of techno literacy as critical thinking is important. We need to decide, make judgments as to what is really important. Sometimes I will use technology and devices in my devotional life, but more often than not I use paper books, pens and a nice paper journal to facilitate my time with God. Why? Because I remove the tyranny of the urgent by using slower tools and in that moment I gain freedom.

The older the technology, the more likely it will continue to be useful. Kevin Kelly

clearness, clarity, and correcting cluttered thinking

2010-09-29T19:06:00.007-04:00

Space or spaciousness seems to be a key part of spirituality. The European gothic cathedrals changed the worldview of those worshipping inside. Earlier the architecture was constrained by the limitations of building techniques simply they could not build upwards and outwards without incredibly thick walls and lots of pillars. But the development of the buttress and flying buttress brought height, width, and light. Windows as vast surfaces of glass through which light filled this space opened things up. At the same time it is claimed that humans in their literature became more self -aware and self-reflective.

In the post-rock era of music, I am noticing a significant parallel. Recently I came across Natural Snow Buildings, a french duo who produce huge ambient landscapes using large audio palettes of sound. Their The Dance of the Moon and the Sun, an earlier work, reveals much of their origins but their recent release The Centauri Agent is more electronic and processed. The interesting thing is they are not commercial. Their recent issue is free for download through their label Vulpiano Records. Much of their previous work has been through incredibly small releases. It is clear they are not trying to make money. They are not flooding the world with cd's and bits of plastic.

In that collision of ideas I'm currently reading The Story of Stuff by Annie Leonard, which is a detailed taking apart of our worldview of the need to acquire more and more stuff. She says "I'm not against stuff", "I'm not romanticizing poverty", "I'm not bashing the United States." But everything is connected in fact interconnected and the current global problems are linked to stuff. In this respect we need to understand our stuff i.e. how we got our stuff and where it came from, in terms of extraction, production, distribution consumption, and disposal. She paraphrases Einstein, saying "problems cannot be solved within the same paradigm in which they were created."

Last night in our Bible study we discussed what made you famous for more than 15 minutes. One person in my group said by changing the way people think. I think there's a little more than that, by changing the way people think by correcting cluttered thinking the world can be changed. We have at least to suspend thinking from within our current worldview.

Fierce Faith

2010-09-24T12:00:00.004-04:00

We desire to be totally influenced by Jesus Christ and concerned with the personhood of others rather than with their talents or other gifts. John English Spiritual Freedom

Tonight is a difficult night in Korea and wish I were there, or she were here. The feelings of powerlessness are very real in me yet I am not in despair rather a desire for God's glory to be revealed. There are many tough lessons in life to be learned and fears to be confronted for me and I learned this week a saying from Richard Rohr that "Hope is fear's faith." I misheard it the first time and thought "Hope is fierce faith." But both are equally strong and insightful. In the face of the pain I feel she has, I have to, I must hope and find strength for her that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rm 8:28)

I've been reading John English for a month now and he wrote about the love relationship with God describing 3 modes of humility illustrated by the love relationship of marriage. The first is
illustrated by a commitment to the love relationship in being faithful. The second goes deeper being sensitive to situations of conflict which damage the relationship and seeking to make amends. Finally the third is that suffering with the spouse who is suffering. ..."the acid test of humility and sharing with one another will be found in suffering. ... In love's paradoxical view, a couple might even desire this situation if only to show their love by staying together in time of insults and disregard."

This is a tough time and perhaps I feel further away than I want to be, but I'm reminded of Bruce Cockburn's song Waiting for a Miracle. I'm really praying for the miracle.

You rub your palm
On the grimy pane
In the hope that you can see
You stand up proud
You pretend you're strong
In the hope that you can be
Like the ones who've cried
Like the ones who've died
Trying to set the angel in us free
While they're waiting for a miracle

Recycle and simplicity

2010-09-23T20:10:00.004-04:00

I was reading an article on Lifehacker and one respondent claimed

A cd/dvd is considered a class 7 recyclable plastic. To manufacture a pound of plastic (30 CDs per pound), it requires 300 cubic feet of natural gas, 2 cups of crude oil and 24 gallons of water. It is estimated that AOL alone has distributed more than 2 billion CDs. That is the natural gas equivalent of heating 200,000 homes for 1 year. It is estimated that it will take over 1 million years for a CD to completely decompose in a landfill.

I'm so glad I no longer back my data up onto CD and DVD roms. But the issues remain about the nature of our garbage. The clutter I've been hanging onto is crazy, but perhaps the music industry's hanging onto CD's and the movie industries to DVD's is worse. I'm currently reading Henry David Thoreau's Walden. A very interesting book written in the first half of 19th century. It's a fascinating read not just because Thoreau is a Transcendentalist - a pre-industrialization proto- ecologist but because he challenges unbridled acquisition. In order to research and write, he built a little house by Walden Pond and farmed a few acres and claimed that "I found that ... it required only thirty or forty days in a year to support one." He grew his own food and built his own shelter and sold a little excess to cover his costs. He lived at Walden for 2 years 2 months and 2 days. The fascinating thing is I've been reading this on an iPod touch which has been gifted me by grace as a pass-me-on. It isn't, for me, a hand-me-down because it has raised me up. What if I had bought a book?

It occurs to me that it might possible to live your life more simply where technology is used especially where distribution is digital and virtual. Thoreau seems to be for me at the moment a 19th century hippie, jailed for refusing to pay his taxes in protest over the Mexican War. There is no doubt of his intellectual ability and insightfulness. (A graduate of Harvard.) I'm interested in where these thoughts go in the collision of ideas between Thoreau's and the distribution of digital media through the internet as possibly a lighter carbon footprint .

How does this relate to spirituality and faith? I believe we tend to simply accept cultural trends and marketing. We buy into an unbridled consumption model. if we do this it is extremely difficult not to end up with cluttered lives, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. We need enough space to think and to think critically. I'm about to read yet another book about decluttering. I am amazed not that I reading another one but that I can find yet another one. This one published 2008!

ways of asserting

2010-09-20T07:59:00.001-04:00

Caring for my Auntie Mary is a strain at times. At 93 she remains strongly independent but sadly not to the extent of looking after herself properly. She is not eating enough and yet wants to live alone. It's tough as she wants to assert her independence but I need to help her do it in the right way.

I am glad that we can have 1 hour a day assisted living with a support worker, but now I get phone calls from the different agencies when she is not home. Saturday I had 4 calls from 2 different agencies because she did not answer her phone or door. Finally she answered the phone when she came home 7.30pm from her mineral club show. She did not tell the agency or the helper as she found them a nuisance . God give me strength and wisdom as I have to convince her that independence means having these people in her life!

Dogs and Cats

2010-09-19T21:30:00.004-04:00

Strange stuff the last few days. I learned that my good friend is looking after Penny a small friendly long-term. He took her on a canoe trip and had a great time with her. Dogs need us our attention and care about us. Penny was off her leash and yet came back because she knew who fed her and cared for her. I think Penny is good for him. He has to get up in the morning walk and feed and play and be loved by this little dog.

This morning I was late for service and was even later because as I locked my bike I saw a group of people looking upwards. There on the building opposite a 4 storey industrial place and on top of a 12 foot large brick chimney was a small white cat. How it got there I have no idea. But to be sure cats are very different animals to dogs in human relationships. Yes we worry about the cat but I don't think we can say a cat loves its owner or the one who cares for it in the same way as a dog.

This fits something I was reading in a book this week which is about small acts of generosity and their far reaching effects even on the one being generous. Henri Nouwen in an interview with Philip Yancey records being correct by Nouwen that he did not give up stuff to care for Adam at L'Arche. Nouwen gained and benefited from the relationship because in learning to love he learned how much he himself was loved by God.

In learning to love a little dog, learning to care for this animal we can learn that we are loved and cared for. I feel even in my relationship with others, and especially with Iris, in loving and caring for others I have learned what love is and more so the greater love of God.

getting back to it

2010-09-02T15:55:00.003-04:00

Well yesterday I felt drawn to the Reference Library on my way home. Don't know why but I went in. I thought to see if The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society was available anyhow instead I picked up this book and read it between 11.45pm and 1.30am. Strangely challenging and relevant for where my life is at the moment.

Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back by Brooks Palmer

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

What is this book doing on my ology shelf at Goodreads? Brooks Palmer, a professional clutter buster, is not an organizer. The issues are internal not external, more psychological, sociological, cultural etc. Most of it is not about organizing what you have accumulated rather getting rid of stuff both internally and externally.

People's homes are a map of their mind. The mind is a storehouse of memories and opinions and beliefs. ... Problems ensue. Things pile up unused. ... home had become a stagnant pool. ... When you toss things and readjust your living space, you readjust your state of mind

We need to clear our minds and our homes to find space and freedom. We need to find release from the stuff, which invariably has feelings attached to them and realize that this clutter locks us into the past. Believing that these feelings are in fact scarce we need to realize that through letting go we can have freedom to experience the abundance and riches of feelings in the present.

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Not a Mamil

2010-08-17T19:08:00.004-04:00

I was wondering whether to buy a lycra cycling top as I have been loosing a bit of weight and cycling more. Today I managed my first steep hill in a year since my back injury. I didn't get off I didn't feel pain or strain anything. But I remembered the article I came across on the BBC news site, Rise of the Mamils (middle-aged men in lycra). Oops I thought and perhaps a cycling top is not the best idea. I'm not ready to join the Mamils yet! Maybe a few more pounds to go and I'll be the weight when I left school at eighteen.

As I get fitter and lighter I am feeling a lot more at ease. I took 6 boxes of theology books to the local bookstore just to clear and of course the public library system took 6 boxes of scifi. Today I cleared another 2 boxes of books and tomorrow I give away my bed.

A stressed week

2010-08-12T22:23:00.005-04:00

The last few days have been stressful. My Auntie Mary wasn't home when she should have been but we weren't sure that she was out. When all the agencies (four of them) who are involved in her daily care call, I end up being the co-ordinator. I was trying to decide whether we needed the police or not. Thank God for helpful phone operators who referred me to a supervisor who was inspired to call the person giving her a ride to a doctor's appointment. Why a doctor's office doesn't have a human being to answer phones I have no idea. Anyway the panic was aleviated after 2 hours.

The same day my doctor emails me and tells me I have an adrenal incidentaloma. Actually I didn't see those words. All I saw in the email was a growth on my adrenal gland and a discussion whether in was benign or malignant. Well currently it is 6mm and therefore tiny and it needs to be monitored to see if it grows or not. There isn't a panic at the moment rather this is quite common and it will be a matter of wait and see. But I'm going to see the doctor next week.

This week I had my dental hgienist appointment. Mostly everything was OK except the problem molar was 9mm pocket. Actually 4 or 5 is normally bad! She took X-rays and was going to talk to the dentist. Well the same day as the other stuff she phones and advised me that the dentist was suggesting extraction! It's the last molar on the bottom right side, so I was worried. Nothing would left to chew on. Well we're going to wait and see if I can improve my hygiene and that it begins to heal! A real call for prayer because the expectation is that it will not.

Also this week is Iris' english exam results. She needed an average score of 6 and I got the call to say she got a 7. Our relief is unbelievable because all the other stuff of the week is pushed aside and we now know we can have a future together. With only 2 weeks of preparation I feel God's hand is with us.

Burning

2010-08-10T09:12:00.002-04:00

Often we are preoccupied with the question "How can we be witnesses in the Name of Jesus? What are we supposed to say or do to make people accept the love that God offers them?" These questions are expressions more of our fear than of our love. Jesus shows us the way of being witnesses. He was so full of God's love, so connected with God's will, so burning with zeal for God's Kingdom, that he couldn't do other than witness. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

Paul Richardson's book and his life is invigorating, inspiring and scary. The challenge of faith at the edge demands creativity, dreaming, and risk taking. All very logical and all demanding a step or maybe a jump into space. But we can have confidence. "Assimilate it [God's Word] into your life so that you can plunge into your days with unbounded freedom." May God give us this confidence and enable us to burn without being consumed. After all faith is nothing until it is exercised and sretched.

A personal challenge

2010-08-09T21:31:00.003-04:00

A Certain Risk: Living Your Faith at the Edge by Paul Andrew Richardson

Of course getting our priorities right in life is important but Richardson moves everything to a new level. In fact you might say my understanding and more important my way of living is challenged in the edgiest way possible.

As the Spirit opens your eyes, what will he allow you to see? He will show you greater possibilities that you have ever dreamed before.(158) To be sure, many leaders have an important role as visionaries and communicators. Yet, as we come closer, we will always discover a band of people who have stepped out by faith in response to the dreams the Spirit has planted in their hearts.(38) The agony of faith ...is stepping out beyond the edge of human capabilities and trusting God's Spirit to lift us into his dreams.(113) Faith is the flash point between God's creativity and your participation in his creativity (100)

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Infobesity

2010-08-02T15:01:00.003-04:00

We are so informed that we can’t be bothered. Catherine Collins British Dietetic Association

Brian just sent me a link to Tim Challies blog (here) and I found this great quote within a quote from John Naish's book Enough. We need and I think I need to learn his lesson of when enough is enough. Challies notes that Golden Labrador Retrievers are a dog that has a far bigger eyes than stomach and not a lot of sense. It will eat too much, throw up and then eat again. The dog will repeat this cycle.

... while we are given more information than ever about healthy eating, our consumption of fresh food has fallen. This is partly because we are too busy getting and spending to enjoy the simple pleasures of cooking.

One of the lessons coming at me from counseling and spiritual direction is that I know a lot but am lousy at actually practicing it or applying it in the real world. I know what I need to do but don't do it or use it or applying to wisdom. I consume information in large quantities but the issue is application. I hurt Iris yesterday because I had too much information to give rather than love and support. There is so much information out there but in fact it's more about learning lessons not consuming. It's more about digesting and not merely filling our stomachs. Otherwise we're (or at least I am) no better than a Golden Labrador Retriever.

Marketing wisdom or commonsense

2010-07-31T21:34:00.004-04:00

I've just finished reading Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping. It looks at human behaviour and the retail environment and attempts analysis of how human chopping behaviour works and why. To this how the store environment can work with or work against this behaviour. They call this the conversion rate, from someone wandering into a store to someone leaving the store with a purchase.

My friend Firman and I were talking this week about this in terms of getting clients. You don't just wait for them to come to you. You have to get out there and talk and meeting and get infront of them. If you're looking for someone who might want to become a Christian, you want them to comein and stick around. We want a conversion rate as well yet we are passive.

In retail it seems to be well known that men will wander into a store, look for information in brochures or displays, collect and generally leave without consulting or talking to anyone. Women are the opposite looking for advice and to consult someone who knows something about what they're looking for.

I realized this has huge ramifications for churches how they welcome men and women. When it comes to welcome desks, information points, and welcome personnel there are enormous changes needed in how things are done, if done at all. Churches are generally dominated numerically by women. Why? My boss once asked whether it's because the words of the songs (read excessive emotionalism) or the relevance of the messages or the packaging/environment is wrong? We asked this on one of our staff training modules why university Christian groups tend to be monocultures, particularly no "jocks"? So what is the purpose of the church? to become monocultures because that is what is most successful or to become reflections of the Kingdom of God?

information overload or obesity

2010-07-30T09:36:00.001-04:00

...the average American on an average day, who consumes 34 gigabytes and 100,000 words of information Roger Bohn How Much Information? 2009 Report on American Consumers

I started reading a blogger running a site called infovegan. I was challenged because he was thinking about the consumption of information like food and calories. Rather than having the weight oppressing us, we are consumers of information and can become obese. The solution is a balanced diet. Many of his ideas originate from some research at the University of California by Roger Bohn (here). I think infovegan deductions are based on the fact that around 41 percent of information time is watching TV (including DVDs, recorded TV and real-time watching). But he fails to acknowledge that a higher percentage of the total time is spent on computer games.

Still there some interesting helpful suggestions which I been thinking in response to my internet time and bytes consumed which is vastly larger than the average American of the research. Infovegan suggests realizing we are choosing to eat and then looking at what we're consuming.

"...if you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the information you’re consuming, ... You’re consuming too much opinion and not enough fact. ... consumption ought to be limited such that you maintain a clear mind and the ability to form your own opinions."

So what do I need to do? Well I'm trying to read more books and some fiction. I'm trying to understand how I look at the world and respond to it. I'm trying to simplify in the pursuit of simplicity so I can be freer and more spontaneous because there is enough space to be so. I need to lose some weight in the information diet and eat more healthily.

In my prayers Wednesday morning I read this. It hit me deeply because Iris and I were talking about this exact area of our lives only 10 hours earlier.

It is so easy to get caught up
with the trappings of wealth in this life.
Grant, O Lord, that I may be free
from greed and selfishness.
Remind me that the best things in life are free.
Love, laughter, caring and sharing.

small and compact and meaningful

2010-07-29T07:57:00.001-04:00

Terunobu Fujimori, Tokyo, Japan - Beetle’s House from Victoria and Albert Museum on Vimeo.

This Beetle House is small but it has that sense of simplicity and spaciousness that I feel is when my soul is headed.

feeling lighter and spacious

2010-07-28T19:30:00.002-04:00

The last few days I've found new energy and my internal space you might say my psyche feels lighter and more spacious. It's the product I believe in God's intervention in my life, physical health in the medical and dental treatments, mental and emotional in the counseling, in the spiritual with my director, and the external spatial in beginning to clear up and get rid of stuff.

Today I had to help Auntie Mary, in her frailty. Finally I and her Veteran Affairs Canada counselor met with her together and got her to agree to accept help. But it's not that the help isn't there for her. I've talked at length with her, the VAC counselor, the community care counselor, and even there's the Neighbourhood Link social worker in the background. Today I started opening her mail and sorting her financial documents out. In that moment I realized I had the energy to face my own problems of organization. I am being changed through the experience of helping, serving, and realizing I don't want to be this cluttered and unable to cope. I found uncashed expired cheques and unpaid bills etc. After three and a half hours I cleared one chair and one third of the table. There's a long way to go but we've begun the journey.

labels - help or hinder

2010-07-24T21:33:00.002-04:00

I've nearly completed the sift, sort and dispose sequence in the my CD collection there are over 120 CD in the dispose. Just people I'm never really going to listen to yet in my keep boxes are close to 300 CDs, excluding the 100 or so still on shelves. I started trying to make up playlists so that I can categorize them for playing and reasons for playing. Trying work out what category to file some of my stuff is really difficult. I got scared when I found some of my stuff was described as shoegaze! Is that a musical style? I'm happier with the label of postrock but what does it really mean.

I have bands such as Sigur Rós, Labradford, Japancakes, Channel Light Vessel etc. They are a rock version (or postrock version) of Philip Glass a classical minimalist composer. The music is extremely repetitive with slight variation and modulations. It is these changes which create the interest as the patterns change and morph. Add to the fact the speeds are slower and there is a lot of reverb to create a huge ambiance, we are talking about a genre nesting between chill, minimalism and meditation.

The Bible talks about vain repetition in praying and perhaps this also applies to worship but the issue is this. Whether the nuanced changes and variations create something which rather than being vain is a gentle route lifting us to the ecstatic moment where everything disappears and God is God. The liturgical chants of the Orthodox churches and liturgical monasticism especially made popular in Taizé provides this. I remember a teenager saying once of her first Taizé worship experience, who needs drugs, when there is this experience.

But there is a dark side. Friday I was reading about the Danger Mouse/SparkleHorse project Dark Night of The Soul. I've been aware of Danger Mouse in looking at concepts of copyright in the remix culture and the "Grey Album" a remix of the Beatles White Album and the Jay-Z's Black Album. He is part of the better known Gnarls Barkley.

Well Dark Night was first delayed by legal wrangles but deeply marred by the suicides of co-creator Mark Linkous/Sparklehorse and contributor Vic Chesnutt. This recent album carries some heavy baggage which I hope to listen to soon. I wonder about whether a heavenward moment and a hellish moment are possible. Of course I think yes. In my sorting I had to decide whether to keep The Tear Garden's To Be An Angel Blind, The Crippled Soul Divide. I kept it because it is an authentic reflection of one side of human emotions, the darker side.

A Gift

2010-07-23T22:16:00.004-04:00

I got a parcel from Korea. In it was a book of Sting's poems. NB I said poems and not songs.

Of course they're the lyrics from decades of writing, but reading through the book I was separated from the music to appreciate the beauty of mere words. Sting describes it as being like separating a mannequin from the clothes it is wearing. The dummy is naked and there is a pile of cloth on the floor. The words stripped of their dependence on music are exposed to human examination.

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

I'm rereading what might a controversial book Dance of the Selves by a transpersonal psychologist within a Jungian understanding of the human personality as both male/logic/animus and female/intuition/anima. Loretta Ferrier basically posits we need both the male and female aspects of us to work together for us to be truly effective and maybe I might use the word healthy. She see that the feminine intuition is the visionary and guide, but unless the masculine logic is there then dreams remain dreams. If there is only the the male aspect then things might be orderly tidy but stale and locked into often unhealthy patterns of living. An interesting book with perhaps some kernels of truth to open ourselves to ourselves, but with some caution and care.

Where does this leave me? Thoughts about what happens in the crises of life. Medieval Christian spirituality adopted a view point from Aristotle, namely knowledge of self was knowledge of God. Here Ferrier offers a guide to better mental/emotional health through knowledge of self and I think is helpful but only when kept in the light of God i.e. illuminated by God. In Christian terms we do not merely need to change and grow in faith but also we need to know something of the old self because the old self will return and cause trouble. Regeneration or sanctification are processes.

Paradox or absurdity

2010-07-20T09:24:00.006-04:00

It seems much more healthy to me to accept that two pieces of contradicting information can both some how be true. It removes that default state of distrust, and displaces it with acknowledgement, respect and insight. Frank Chimero On Paradoxes

I've been thinking about a conversation I had on Sunday about how sometimes the world seems random and the choices we make significant and yet we confess God is sovereign and rules over everything. The necessity of paradox to generate mystery other wise things become explainable and the divine reduced to level of human understanding. Religion and of course theology are at the end of the day human constructs and therefore flawed and limited with a certain provisionality. Thus my ideas are always locked in time and subject to change either breakdown like entropy in science or changing and evolving and maturing. Hence the theme of this blog.

I've been reading the Minimal mac which sent me the way of Frank Chimero's blog and an entry called On Paradoxes. He made me think about the relationship between paradox and absurdity.

Often times paradox and absurdity are mistaken for one another. I think there’s a subtle, but important difference. Absurdity is paradox’s immature little brother. Absurdity is spineless. ...Two incongruent things are placed side-by-side. The supposed value is amusement from the randomness. Absurdity often seems a pale imitation of paradox. The Simpsons is paradox. Family Guy is absurdity. ... Paradox has insight, absurdity lacks it. Paradoxes have meaning.

One of the problems of the Enlightenment i.e. Modernist thought, which gave way to facts being scientific and rational, is to reduce the mysterious to the explainable. Sadly religion and theology sometimes ends up here or at least reduces everything to the level of absurdity. Surely paradox opens our minds to mystery and subsequently to wonder. For is not the beginning of wisdom fear of the Lord?

The Minor Third

2010-07-19T09:31:00.001-04:00

I think most people recognize that songs and music in the minor key are sadder than the major key. The first though I've had is how often are contemporary worship songs in a minor key. If we go back to the Victorian hymnbooks I can recall easily the presence of these especially in the Easter passion season leading up to Easter Sunday. Just a quick reflection as I've been sorting CDs to keep, Fauré Requiem the transitions between major and minors is startling and emotive. The transition in the last two movements Libera Me, in a minor key in a lower octave, to In Paradisum, in a major key in a high voice, is positively sublime.

The minor third is the clue to understanding sadness. Meagan Curtis of Tufts University has found the minor third progression is not merely a musical thing but occurs in human speech patterns portraying sadness. (At least in American English). So here I return to my old question so why isn't anyone writing worship songs with minor thirds or minor keys and if I've missed them why aren't we using them? Life has its joys and sadness, light and darkness.

More dimensions part 2

2010-07-18T15:11:00.002-04:00

Reading appears passive because it takes place in a chair, on a bed, at the beach, in the tub, etc. Reading is action, exercise demanding strength of mind. Amy King Start A Revolution: Read this Book

I came across a longer quotation from Amy King which helped me understand more about the difference between books and film. Reading requires effort "working the imagination in to a sweat and, by default, developing other difficult-to-discuss human attributes like empathy and conscience." I don't think she is denying film or movies can have something to say and stretch our minds but her polemic is to challenge us not to be passive undiscriminating members of the crowd. I suppose her book has to go on my list of to read one day!

When it comes to reading the Bible it is not about learning stories, or being amused, or studying it to collect mere wisdom. Ideally it is about it becoming part of our worldview, developing our imagination and expectations, and changing our character to growing in empathy and conscience. The key is, I think, reading for formation and re-formation, rather than merely reading for information to be extracted.

Gifts and choices

2010-07-17T14:30:00.004-04:00

Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice. Gifts are easy -- they're given after all. Choices can be hard. You can seduce yourself with your gifts if you're not careful, and if you do, it'll probably be to the detriment of your choices. Jeff Bezos founder of Amazon.com

Jeff Bezos speaking at this year's Princeton graduation told the story of a car journey with his grandparents and what happened when he said something smart but not sensitive about his grandmother's smoking. Pulled aside by his grandfather he was give a simple wisdom. "Jeff, one day you'll understand that it's harder to be kind than clever."

Bezos gave up a good job in a financial firm to found Amazon and he admitted ... "it really was a difficult choice, but ultimately, I decided I had to give it a shot. I didn't think I'd regret trying and failing. And I suspected I would always be haunted by a decision to not try at all."

I'm challenged by what Bezos says and by the strange connections he makes. He doesn't major on the kindness as a choice but the deeper key of choices. Being kind for him is not a gift but a choice, perhaps because being kind involves choices about the things you have and have been given. For a good part of my life I have been taking the path of least resistance or at least desiring that. Now I find perhaps rather than going with the flow I need to step out even more in faith, having the courage of my convictions. Bezos claims "We are the choices we make." I'm beginning to think he is right. My choice to leave the civil service quit a secure job, my choice to leave the UK, my choice leave friends and family behind has made me who I am here and now.

I'm living through a time in my life where I'm forced not to go with the flow but to make clear and deliberate decisions about my attitudes and values, about my health and lifestyle, about the very core of who I am, my identity. These choices will shape who I am in the future, for better or worse. I am not what I have, nor what I do but the choices I make. Perhaps to love perhaps the care or to be kind.

more dimensions

2010-07-15T22:37:00.004-04:00

There is something about the written word which seems to have more dimensions or perhaps more angles than film. I suspect it is something about the narrative structure of film which restricts things. I've just finished reading Nick Hornby's About a Boy. I watched the film of the same name starring Hugh Grant months ago and Iris left the book behind. I started yesterday afternoon and finished it off this evening. Actually I read 90 percent this evening.

The storyline is basically the same but there are different scenes appearing and disappearing when comparing book and film. But somehow Nick Hornby in his writing, and the book facilitates this better, allows us to get inside the heads of his characters and find something authentically real. One moment of ironic tension found in the book where Marcus' mother in her confusion to have Will stop his involvement then says "You can't just shut life out, you know." Will's counter argument in his narration to us is " She was wrong, he was almost positive. You could shut life out. If you didn't answer the door to it, how was it going to get in?"

The trouble is life does creep in. In the back door, through a crack in the window, via the letter box in the door, life and it's power to confront gets inside. Unless of course you are truly hermetically sealed, divorced from others, merely living a second-hand existence.

Cross platform universal application

2010-07-14T11:02:00.007-04:00

My old iMac is holding up pretty well at the moment though I'm stuck at OSX Tiger. In my urge to simplify I have adopted Notational Velocity (NV) as a very simple note-taking and organizing program. It works well and keeps things far less cluttered but everything was locked to my desktop. Now I discover NV synchronizes with Simplenote, a web-storage and iPod touch/iPhone app.( something I hope for later). For now I have my netbook for traveling and taking notes etc on the move. The beauty is that there is a Windows program Resophnotes which also syncs with Simplenote. Guess what I seem to have seamless syncing between my different computer platforms with the option of of adding the iPod Touch later and yes it works.

Recently I had to think hard and refine my thoughts on truth. Pilate asked Jesus "What is truth?" This remains a very relevant question in an era where everyone seems or claims that whatever is true for me is OK and at the sametime will lay claim to universal human rights. In a time in history where much of philosophy argues against universals and universal truth, so many people are also arguing for their rights in a manner that assumes a universal understanding! Here it seems to me is the dilemma. The tension whether somehow we can validate something as true. Pilate made an assertion and Jesus asked whether it was his idea? Pilate tries to defend himself and we can see the following discussion between Jesus and Pilate as a discussion about truth or authenticity.

Andrew Potter has written a book called The Authenticity Hoax of which I've read a small part so far. In it he makes a valuable distinction: Authenticity as provenence, something with history, a track record; Authenticity as artistic expression; and Authenticity as something we want. I think the last is very interesting because it suggest a certain hunger, need. or desire for authenticity or truth. Of course I have equated these two words as similar or as being related. I'm still not sure but at this moment it seem that truth and perhaps authenticity are validated within human experience even though they might be universals. Provenance is important both logical and intuitive assessment are possible but somehow more important and more interesting is the human need for authentic things with our existence, I wonder if this is a life with meaning, something we can trust in or have faith in.

culture clash

2010-07-12T12:01:00.002-04:00

I've been clearing and sorting my CDs and there are 45 CD's in my current get rid of pile (and it's still growing). There's everything Jazz, rock, pop, dance, R&B, folk etc. I've also working on new playlists on iTunes for the 1960's, 70's, 80's and 90's. Tracks that I remember and remind me of things. The biggest at the moment is the 1980's currently 83 tracks and the 70's are 54. The other periods are still small as I sort out my memories and find out what is missing for me.

But as I review all this stuff that I acquired, picked up etc I came across a little gem a fusion CD Sacred Spirit II Culture Clash. Mixing cello blues and electronica, it's a fascinating blend. I've probably had the CD for 5-7 years and never listened to it. (If you want hear a sample I've posted a link to a youtube video on my other blog here.) John Lee Hooker, the blues musician is part of the mix but sadly the cellist is not named.

There are many memories that we have not listened to, like this Sacred Spirit CD. My current situation means that because my life is on pause and I am examining memories and my reactions and this means learning and perhaps even choosing now an alternative response to situations in the past. This all means I hope and pray a healthier future.

I will continue the CD sorting and compiling my playlists and I suspect also doing that with my life's memories.

Health and health

2010-07-08T15:41:00.006-04:00

What a day! I've been to my counsellor, to my doctor, to my chiropractor and to my regular pharmacist. The only people I didn't see today were my dentist and spiritual director!

I really do feel that I am moving to really good health. My counsellor is pleased with progress with the insights I have gained and expressed and I'm encouraged how much more at peace I feel nowadays, even though the future is still very unclear. My doctor is very pleased my bad cholesterol has dropped from 6.7 to 2.1 with the medication and changes in lifestyle and diet. My risk of a heart attack has dropped from 30 percent to 6 percent. Of course that doesn't include the other factors I've been working on in my lifestyle. According to what I've heard, walking for 30 minutes a day can slash the risk of a heart attack by 30 to 40 percent! I'm also eating a small quantity of almonds almost every day because a study suggested a handful five times a week cut the risk of heart attack in half! I am self consciously eating a variety of fish with omega 5 and 3 as well.

In fact you should have seen the graphs of my HDL, LDL and triglyceride levels all were at a 45 degree slope, downwards! I picked up my prescriptions, Crestor and baby aspirin, from the pharmacist feeling very encouraged. The aspirin is reputed to reduced the risk of a heart attack by 32 percent though increase stroke risks! My blood pressure is still a bit on the high side and also iron also. My ultrasound results have recommended I should have a CAT scan of my adrenal glands, so the exam continues.

My chiropractic appointment was more maintenance. I had a little back pain over the weekend but with exercises and the recovery was pretty quick. I'm also trying to brush my teeth twice a day and floss regularly because it is suggested that periodontal disease is linked to coronary artery disease or atherosclerosis, a narrowing of the arteries caused by deposits of fat and plaque onto the arteryl walls.

Health comes on many levels, physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. They all overlap and infact there is also the social which we discussed today as well. Of course there is the question Will I obtain ultimate health? To which the answer is no but at least then I will have done what is living responsibly, living as a good steward of all that I am and therefore living in the spirit of Shalom - peace.

Note a video posting

2010-07-07T09:43:00.000-04:00

I've posted a video on my other blog. It's beautiful piece from Julian LLoyd Webber. (here)

Message in a Bottle

2010-07-05T06:59:00.001-04:00

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw, Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore, Seems I'm not alone in being alone, Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home. Sting

Karen Liebreich wrote a book called The Letter in the Bottle which was about her unsuccessful search for the mother who wrote a heart-rending letter found washed up in a bottle off the Kent coast. Karen tried every route possible to track down the author and got all the science and pseudoscience she could. I came across the story in The Daily Telegraph because after the book was published, the woman who had written the sad letter to her deceased son came forward. It had taken her 21 years to face down the grief of loss and throwing his clothes into the ocean, together with 2 lilies and the bottle with the letter.

Liebreich gives us details of this woman's story:

The bottle was my idea. I already knew that I needed to do something to let him go and I had thought of a letter in a bottle – why not. The whole thing was triggered by a dream, the dream that I mentioned in the letter. I had a beautiful dream about Maurice and I finally understood that it was time to let him go.

The past haunts and handicaps us. Then it is time to let go and move forwards when we understand.

I'm not Catholic, though my family was. And of course I was very angry with Him. There is some kind of superior energy, a cosmic force, and I was furious with Him. Today I am once again happy to be alive...

We all have unfinished business because we are works in progress. Somehow I feel this particular work in progress has begun a signficant time of letting go. A letting go of pain and therefore a chance to gain. I have a feeling of release these days and somehow after what seems a long time can can say I'm happy to be alive.
(If you're interested in the article it's here)

Pay it Forward

2010-07-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

You don't pay love back; you pay it forward. Lily Hardy Hammond In the Garden of Delight

Why do we do things for other people? Perhaps we do it for a return or for the feel good factor. Few of us are like philanthropists giving fortunes away like Charles Saatchi of the Advertising company who has just given away a complete art collection and museum to go with it and doesn't want it named after him. So why do we do things for other people. I've just found that Jane Siberry, a Canadian singer who I've known about for a while, has made her complete music catalogue available on the internet [here]. I'm surprised in this world of copyright and intellectual property and possessing stuff to find this generosity. (Note there's a lot of traffic and you'll have to try quite a few times to grab a file before succeeeding.)

On the webpage she says free, enjoy and pay it forward. What is pay it forward? Wikipedia says ""pay it forward" is used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead." In other words pay back is never to the giver but to someone else. Strangely I think I've been living a bit that way. I do stuff for people with the hope they'll learn to help others. There's been a number of interesting spinoffs recorded in Wikipedia including a project from the Oprah Winfry Show, but what they fail to address the the fundamental motivation and the value behind the giving. I believe pay it forward contains a wish to change the world's values.

This is not that different to altruism where someone sacrifices their own life to protect the lives of others. Though Richard Dawkin's would probably want to put a different twist to this especially to die or sacrifice for your kin or family but at the core of the Christian faith is one of sacrifice for strangers and the estranged i.e. those far away. Postmodern philosopher Derrida struggled with the idea of the gift as unconditional, perhaps even grace as unconditional is a problem because it always carrys with it a call to pay it forward. This is so true if we take seriously the parable of forgiven debts.

I said you did not have to pay back a cent. Don't you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you? Matt 18:32-33

More of the right stuff

2010-07-03T09:29:00.000-04:00

Focus on acquiring abilities, not tools. Instead of buying a bunch of gadgets to help me get a job done, let’s spend more time learning the skills behind the job. Tools are just things, but skills become part of us. ... Let’s stop hoarding stuff (money, books, guarantees, etc.) in the name of “What if?” and have the courage to rely on our ability to deal with crises. artofgreatthings.com

I might not fully agree with the self-reliance theme of the blogger, but there is a grain of truth. I'm a hoarder because of anxiety and the supposed need to build a resource base. The clutter mentally, physically even emotionally and spiritually becomes a weight draining energy because I don't and never would have enough space to store it all. The time comes for choices: BIG choices. Stuff is becoming an burden. If Iris is to return, even before then I need to find the physical space by ridding myself of the millstone of stuff.

Somehow the job is to simplify reduce the stuff without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. What is core and needed? What is only clutter? The trouble is the new stack of CD's got from garage sales the last few weeks over 40. Trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. Last week I got 30 CDs for 5 dollars so I need to really clear what I'm not going to keep. Out of the piles I really wanted Celine Dion's Colour of My Love, Alicia Key's Diary of Alicia Keys, Titanic Soundtrack, Norah Jones' Feels Like Home, Santana's Supernatural to name a few key ones. But maybe I should be playing my cello more?

What makes music Spiritual or Christian?

2010-07-02T09:21:00.000-04:00

For avowedly Christian music it [the music of Pärt] is not, perhaps, very plainly founded upon the Incarnation of the Son of God. Dale Nelson

I've been thinking again about an episode a few years ago when some Arvo Pärt music was used because he was a Christian. Pärt's music has a sense of silence, of stillness and therefore of course can provide a setting but dangerously this can be merely utilitarian muzak like elevator or supermarket background music. I read an interesting article which contrasted Bach and Part. Bach wrote, “In a reverent performance of music God is always present with His grace” however his understanding is very much a verbal one. Yet perhaps the key observation from Dale Nelson is Bach wrote music for the church, while Pärt mostly writes for the concert hall. Very different contexts and very different reasons for writing.

Much of modern contemporary worship is performative rather unitive. Performed from the front and self-reflective there a danger of the personal worship album as a collection of personal songs is being used supposedly to unite people. What was the reason for writing the song and what was the setting intended?

I read that CS Lewis once heard a Zulu war song and thought it was “wistful and gentle” and consequently wondered whether music was really a universal language. However when we use music we should use it self-consciously making clear theological decisions. Why are we using this? Are we using it with some sense of integrity and understanding or merely as wallpaper?

It's not a bargain if you don't need it!

2010-07-01T17:52:00.002-04:00

People use equipment as a crutch. They don't want to put in the hours ... They're looking for a shortcut. But you just don't need the the best gear to be good ... content is what matters. You can spend tons on fancy equipment, but if you've got nothing to say... well, you've got nothing to say. Jason Fried, David Heinemeier Hansson Rework

Of course this is true but how many of us live this way nowadays. We look for the shortcut, the path of least resistance. I confess I have but that is not always the healthiest way to go. The product whether it's something I say , do , play, present, or simply make will be shallow lacking purpose and challenge. I don't want to live that way. Living out faith for me is to express and create something anew. My counsellor noted the importance of the personal insight, literally the "Aha" moment. He's right for I live for the moment when it all comes together, the pieces become one thing: when the collection of ideas or bits I've collected cohere together. Do we actually have anything meaningful to say unless we put the work in? That means spending enough time, being sufficiently open to what God would have to say to each one of us.

minimize and simplify

2010-06-30T17:20:00.004-04:00

Along these lines, simplicity isn’t a goal or an end result. Simplicity is a means to an end, with the ultimate destination being a remarkable life focused on what matters most to you. You don’t practice simplicity for simplicity’s sake, you practice simplicity to clear the distractions that get in the way of the life you desire. The Unclutterer blog

I have so much stuff and dealing with it is something I need to do. I'm also trying to simplfy my old iMac. Using simpler faster launching programs. Word or NeoOffice (the Mac Openoffice program) both take an age to launch and give me far more than I often want. I found the blog MinimalMac and am beginning to assess what I really need. There were some really simple and effective programs out there. In considering what is needed I generally want things faster and slimmer and even simpler so I'm going to try Notational Velocity a speedy little note-taker which launches in less than 2 seconds. Also Bean a lightweight wordprocessor which again launches very fast.

We've grown up with the crazy idea that big with lots of features is good, but maybe small is really beautiful and maybe I'll get more things done? Simplification means hopefully less time taken up by tech and more time for the important things namely things which give life meaning and purpose.

Peace and Shalom

2010-06-27T22:19:00.005-04:00

To see a world in a grain of sand. And a heaven in a wild flower. Hold infinity in the palm of your hand. And eternity in an hour William Blake Auguries of Innocence

Cycling downtown and down St George, past three groups of 20 or so police on bikes and the sounds of helicopters flying overhead. As I neared church I saw two people sat on the curb side their hands tied behind their backs, surrounded by police I had no sense of the presence of God. More so I felt this was a war zone a place of the absence of God - a place of violence. What had happened to the familiar and the peace of the city?

I had my dental surgery on Thursday and recovered quite quickly I was fully conscious and alert after 2 hours unlike last time which was more the following day. There has been a greater sense of peace and hope in me. Even as I deal with gum infections - note that I'm taking a cocktail of both Penicillin and Azithromycin but I've stopped needing my pain killers - I hope things are getting better. Certainly my body seems to be more at peace. Also I've also started taking Crestor, a Statin for cholesterol reduction, and baby Aspirin for heart disease prevention. Also to lower my sodium and my high blood pressure I'm changing my diet. Perhaps Shalom-peace when everything works as it should. At the moment my body needs a lot of help but hoping that I will stablize at a better health level.

On iTunes I discovered the PBS podcast series "Take One Step for A Healthy Heart" a very interesting series and as I completed Andrew Weil's Healthy Aging I am planning to make signficant changes in diet and eating habits. Even drinking more green tea on top of my normal tea drinking, brushing my teeth more often, flossing more and rinsing with antimicrobial mouth wash. In the moment my mind and spirit I feel are less anxious and I'm waking without my jaw being tense.

I can say that vision and reasons have changed within me. God seems to have spoken, called through the one I love and now I find myself seeking for health and lingering less on pain... rather looking for eternity in the hour, to the glimpse of glory and finding it. She once wrote "your heart is within me" and although she is far away I'm drinking out of that cup called hope. (literally the mug she left behind) and finding her heart within me in the peace that only God can give.

Earthquake

2010-06-23T14:10:00.004-04:00

Toronto had a 5.5 earthquake this afternoon. I felt the house shaking and went into the kitchen to make sure the shelves there didn't fall over. We survived but the whole house shook for quite a few seconds. It's about 16-17 years since the last I can remember but this one was much bigger and longer.

Life has been a number of upheavals. My life is changing with the proposal, worries about the future, then another feeling of God's provision. Today I saw her off at the airport not sure of the future but with more hope than before. Tomorrow I'm off to the dentist again to sort out tooth pain with a root canal.

I've been thinking about the relationship of Faith to Hope or perhaps Hope to Faith. Augustine asserts "The fact that we do not see either what we believe or what we hope for, is all that is common to faith and hope. ... [but] there is no love without hope, no hope without love, and neither love nor hope without faith." I cannot hope without faith that God is at work with us. But as I see it hope is rooted in an authentic relationship, one that is loving. While this is not an earth shatteringly intellectual idea, it is quite a personal realization when I think about the distance between us, i.e. Korean - Canada. But also faith that God, who we believe brought us together, will do it again soon.

A song from the Korean drama Stairway to Heaven called Bogoshipda 보고싶다 translated means I miss you. Iris I miss you. I'm hoping and believing in your return.

Something similar

2010-06-21T18:05:00.004-04:00

Iris and I were encouraged by this recently, Celine Dion's story.

Choose love

2010-06-15T08:35:00.003-04:00

How can we choose love when we have experienced so little of it? We choose love by taking small steps of love every time there is an opportunity. A smile, a handshake, a word of encouragement, [etc] ... Each step is like a candle burning in the night. It does not take the darkness away, but it guides us through the darkness. When we look back .... we will discover that we have made a long and beautiful journey. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I still am experiencing jaw pain both on the right side and left side but perhaps the causes are different. I'm pretty sure the right is due to tmj and grinding my teeth. But the left seems to be in the zone where the tooth extraction took place and maybe I have an infection as the gum is sore to the touch. When I feel the touch of sympathy or feel the loving frustration of being unable to do anything, I can either stay mired in the pain or choose love. When she is in pain with her back I can remain self-focused or choose to be other-focused in love.

God is love. Not God has love but God is love. This could be a philosophical statement that God in essence is love or God as transcendental defines all loves. But I'd like to think every human relationship has the potential to include God and be loving. To choose Love is to choose to include God. Iris and I pray that God will remain the centre of our relationship.

The National Gallery

2010-06-13T17:58:00.004-04:00

I don't know whether I'll regret the action but I did it. We'd already walked through a lot of Canadian art works and went into the European section. There was a surprisingly good collection of French Impressionists and there it was on the wall. My favourite artist Vincent Van Gogh and one of his many Iris paintings and the perfect moment.

I took out of my coin purse a piece of aluminium foil and gave it to her. She thought it was a piece of chocolate but it wasn't. I've been working on this tagua nut carved ring for about 1 month and carved an iris adding a yellow zirconia in the centre. What the future holds I really don't know but my prayer, infact our prayers that God willing we'll come together soon and endeavour to spend our livres together until death do us part.

I knelt down by her watched, by security, in the shadow of the painting which now has special sigificance for us both. And she said yes without hesitation or pause for breath, twice.

Givenness

2010-06-08T09:51:00.004-04:00

We have been given a God who not only allows us to make mistakes, but even uses our mistakes in our favor! Such a pattern becomes obvious in the ministry of Jesus. Joy is what happens when you suddenly find an excess of life and a surplus of love within yourself! ... Any system of measuring and weighing does not give joy, just order and predictability. Never confuse a well-oiled machine with the joyous wedding banquet that Jesus uses as his most common metaphor for eternity. Sadly some people prefer machines to parties. (adapted from Richard Rohr Things Hidden:Scripture as Spirituality)

Life takes unimaginable twists and turns. Health incidents over the last year, situations and words which seemingly have conspired against us, and mistakes which need redemption. My spiritual director sent me this piece adapted from Richard Rohr's book. In this current season in my life I am learning about the duality of life - that life is never merely about either being happy or sad. Rather life is frequently tinged with both ecstasy and agony. I am reminded of a reflection I read written by CS Lewis. He was sitting in a dark garden shed and looking at the beam of light coming into the darkness from a crack in the door. The light can only be seen because of the dust particles in the air and only because the immediate circumstances are darkness. In all of life we need faith and hope but when it all boils down it is love we are looking for. God gives himself to us and it is he who is love itself.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Life is fragile

2010-06-05T20:43:00.003-04:00

Another health scare. Since my dental surgery I've had some jaw pain replacing 15 fillings and having one extraction under sedation is pretty major. I've started grinding my teeth and one lone molar is complaining. Last night was spent in East York General.

Nowadays I'm stressing more and my health plan seems reluctant to pay their part of the dental bill and I had to empty my account to lower the Visa interest payment of the dental surgery. Then my employer forgot to make the monthly pay transfer and I found out after I made the money transfer to pay the Visa bill. I didn't have enough money to pay the rent!

I found myself having to try and solved the problems myself and deal with systems which seem to be conspiring to cause me more stress. So I became stressed more and generated more jaw pain. Well yesterday was bad and in the evening I felt really bad and nearly passed out. I couldn't ever feel my pulse but thank God Iris was with me and she called 911. They came and my blood pressure 79 over 45. The fire fighters had to empty my hallway of bikes and stuff out to the porch in order to carry me out to the ambulance. I was in hospital until 1.30am when they finally released me. Life is extremely fragile. It appears I had a medication conflict probably the muscle relaxant, and pain killers and perhaps dehydration because my apartment was so hot. If I had been alone I'm not sure I'd be here now.

The trouble is my jaw is now so sensitive that I can't chew any food easily. But I'm alive. The clutter in the hall way has been partially dealt with and I will finish the sorting. The deepest concern is when Iris leaves to go home how will I be? Is this all about trusting God and his providence. He brought us together and now it needs miracles for this to continue.But the call for trust and faith is tough for both of us.

Age and aging

2010-05-25T08:50:00.004-04:00

... the value of aging is obvious... aging has the potential to bring greater worth to human life. It can add richness to life, ... enhance the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of life by the same processes that cause decline of the physical body. Andrew Weil

I'm currently reading Andrew Weil's book Healthy Aging: A lifelong guide to your physical and spiritual well-being. It's one of those accidents where I went garage saleing and came across the book as part of a package. One year older I'm sort of feeling my age and not. I've dealt with 20 years of dental neglect and had 15 fillings replaced and a broken tooth finally removed. There is some residual pain as my mouth and teeth become mine again, also I've taken to grinding my teeth at night and a couple of lone molars are complaining a bit cos they're wobbling. I hurt my back a bit again but should recover relatively quickly.

It seems to me that we value youthfulness and vitality, making them both the same. But they're not. Weil seems to be suggesting that in fact vitality is enriched by good attitude and aging. I have 4 short weeks before she leaves for Korea and the future is unsure yet rooted in mutual commitment. She reminds me of my age and need for physical care but also my vitality and youthful attitudes. We're not so different and yet there is aging.

I need a purpose and in fact we all need a purpose or reason to face up to aging. William a friend from the UK, only a few years younger is cycling Lands End to John O'Groats (over 1000 miles) taking only ten days, starting on 27th May. That's way out of my range but it's for a cause and one of those rites of passage. If you'd like to donate to the hospice movement and William's cause there's a donation page here.

So what will I do? Well look after myself, take self-care more seriously and intentionally. Exercise, eat properly, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Difficult week past

2010-04-12T19:25:00.005-04:00

Where is life headed and what will happen to me? The path seems not clear and perhaps only a step or two in front is clear. There have been some difficult deep challenges this last week and yet to know you are loved by those around gives life.

Easter brought life but the road for most first had doubts. Mary at the tomb first looked for a lost body. Peter, we're unclear about. John believed and understood. And what about poor Thomas?

I have life and yet moments of doubt and fear and darkness strain faith.

Dear Lord, Although I am sure of my position
I am unable to sustain it without you. Help me, or I am lost. Amen Martin Luther

Captain Corelli and what is love

2010-04-06T08:52:00.001-04:00

Iannis: When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is! from Captain Corelli's Mandolin

My god-daughter's wedding service had this quotation read out and I am still flying around the quotation because it has caught me like a light to a moth. For love needs to endure to the end but what is that love that endures. As I pray for my god-daughter in her marriage and remember others in their's, and others struggling, and others no longer in marriage.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

late posting Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day

2010-04-05T19:29:00.003-04:00

I made this for Valentine's Day but presented in a Chinese red packet for Chinese New Year which is in fact the Asian Lunar New Year. I started work over Christmas conceiving of the shape and design but it changed as I responded to the stone itself. Out of the two hearts, you can now see a another in the centre formed from the two. This emerged as I shaped the rough form. Mostly this happened in the 2 days before Valentine's Day. The pressure was on and yet something new emerged. There is a third heart in our relationship as God seems to constantly be in the centre drawing us closer to himself.

Almost 2 months later as I reflect how the journey has been. My absences from the city, both back home, across provinces and across province and showed me that the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. I am even more sentimental and yet tonight soaking in the bath I remembered another quote. "Tis better to have loved than to not have never loved at all" from Alfred Lord Tennyson. I am glad we met whatever happens from now on. Still praying and living in the hope of a future together.

professional success and the cost

2010-04-01T21:01:00.002-04:00

Would you exchange a tremendous professional triumph for a severe personal blow? Dave Brooks New York Times

Sandra Bullock's success with an Oscar and that great acclaim that it brings is contrasted with her personal life and marital failure. Even larger salaries and endorsements and possibly a longer life as Oscar winners tend to live longer. Getting my hair cut, it was noted I don't have any gray or white hair. When asked I said that I think it's because I don't worry so much especially about the need to make money and have things. A woman in the salon started on about how surely more money means you'll be more happy. Well a few people chipped in. One hair stylist asked if I exercise and meditate, which is what I do. But then I was asked if I was Buddhist. I said No I'm Christian. The conversation died into silence? Why?

Research according to Dave Brooks shows that once the basic necessities have been met then income is only lightly connected to well-being. In fact lottery winners tend not to be happier rather sadder with greater problems. Yet don't we also long for more money? If we apply Maslow's hierarchy of needs to our glasses it is interesting that Brooks says "According to one study, joining a group that meets even just once a month produces the same happiness gain as doubling your income. According to another, being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than $100,000 a year." The need to belong being met contributes far more than having stuff and possessions and money.

Christians do forget where to lay up their treasures. We need to see the world in a different light. Workaholism and striving for personal success are real, very real. To pursue these has a real cost. The alternative is we all need to enjoy the present moment and the little blessings and not lust after the big things.

The other side of life

2010-03-31T09:48:00.004-04:00

I'm learning more about the other side of life. Mothers book hotel rooms for their sons and their girl friends so they can sleep together, I suppose. But why? If mother is comfortable with the idea why not at home? Fathers are happy for their sons to sleep with whoever they want, in fact they think it normal. Yesterday while getting my hair cut, two women were talking one recommending a certain young woman to the other's escort agency.

I realized it is possible to be so sheltered that the rest of the world, the rest of life has no reality. How am I to be in the world and not of the world?

The Return

2010-03-18T11:27:00.003-04:00

'I’m only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something, and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do that something I can do'. Helen Keller

Back from my travels in the UK. I'm tired and jetlagged but my spirit is changed by my journey. Absence can bring a deeper understanding of presence and what is important - namely not to worry or be anxious rather to live out today. The mistakes of the past can paralyze and as Martyn Lloyd Jones points out the Sermon on the Mount is not something for some future kingdom, namely the impossible ethic. Rather it is believing in Christ what he said and promised; it is not simply believing on Christ that he is the instrument of salvation. In my preparations for Sunday I have learned much from Lloyd Jones.

Worry is always a failure to grasp and apply our faith. Faith does not work automatically ... Never think of faith as something inside you to work automatically; you have to apply it. .. Your faith will not grow mechanically, you have to attend to it ... you have to dig round and about it, and pay attention to it. Then you will find it will grow.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Matthew 6:25

Put Your Life on a Diet:

2010-03-07T08:49:00.002-05:00

I live in a home of 140 square feet. ... Most people would say this is an impossible way to live, but the truth is, my transition to a simpler life has made me happier and healthier than I have ever be ... I find I still use about 2,000 square feet of space, just as I did in the past. The difference is that the other 1,860 square feet of living space—my office at work, the gym, the laundromat, restaurants—is not mine to maintain anymore. Gregory Paul Johnson (original here)

The danger of fill out my life physically, mentally, and with any form of activity is very real. Don't we long for simpler and happier and healthier lives. There's a lot of things to consider here. Perhaps we all need to reconsider the scale on which we live and what fills up our lives? I got to find time to reread Sider's Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger and Foster's Freedom of Simplicity. Life is too full of stuff.

100 Skills Everyone Should Master

2010-03-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

Mighty Girl (here) produced a list of 100 skills everyone should master

Here's a few from her list I still need work on

3. Care for a baby, 12. Remember names, 24. Ask for exactly what you want, 50. Travel light, 64. Organize your home, 87. Dress to flatter your shape

I wonder what the spiritual skills that require work are. Patience and faith are right up there. Trust and assurance also near the top. But even before this is the need to be dissatified with the way things are and wanting change. The old joke says "How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?" " It doesn't matter what's important is the lightbulb has to want to change!"

Intimacy involves distance

2010-03-01T09:11:00.000-05:00

Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other ... To keep the right balance ... requires hard work ... A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance ... Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, in other words being away increases love. Perhaps it would be absence helps love grow stronger. The metaphor of the dance is also good for our relationship with God, but God is not absent rather gives us space to grow, to practice good decision making and exercise good judgment and learn. We need doubt and free will to grow and we need the space to exercise both and the courage to step out into that space.

Allergy proofing

2010-02-28T09:04:00.001-05:00

I need to improve my health more and allergy proofing is an issue I was reading a list of things to do the improve the home and guess what I read at Apartment therapy?

4. Focus on your bedroom. This is where you spend the majority of your time at home, and mattresses and pillows naturally develop dust mites over time. ... 5. We all love to read in bed, but bookcases in the bedroom are a no-no for allergy sufferers too, as books gather a ton of dust.

And guess what? I have my library, a ton of books and music in my ... bedroom! The changes in my life look like they will be continuing and fairly drastically. However to get rid of some of the coughing, wheezing, and sneezing would be great.

Persuading or inviting

2010-02-22T07:23:00.000-05:00

Before Christmas I went on some training about invitation and recently revisited a book on encouragement. These have forced some thoughts on persuasion and methods.

Dr Robert Cialdini is a scholar in persuasion and marketing. In his work he lists six “weapons of influence”:

Reciprocation - People tend to want to return a favor.
Commitment and Consistency - If people make a commitment to something, verbally or in writing, they tend to keep it.
Social Proof - People will do things when they see other people doing it.
Authority - Even with uncomfortable action, people will tend to obey authority figures.
Liking - People are easily persuaded by other people that they like.
Scarcity - A perceived scarcity will generate demand for something.

Something I found in Neuro-linguistic Programing, which has very similar ends to influence people, was rapport. There seem to be key ways to establish rapport such as mirroring the body position and language of the other person. Similarly this is also done in the verbal language. In matching the other person's model of the world/worldview, and in conversation matching the scale of information being exchanged. if the other person works with large categories or large chunks of information then working on that scale will establish rapport and therefore influence. If the person works on the detailed level or micro chunks, then conversing on the large chunk level will necessarily fail. However get on the right level and rapport being established influence is possible.

The trouble is where does manipulation and brainwashing start and the sharing of a great idea or belief? So when is it inviting, influencing, persuading, or brain washing? Not easy... That's why we need ethics.

One relation and another

2010-02-21T10:18:00.004-05:00

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. ... It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

One relation offers much hope and yet another can cause so much pain and perhaps Nouwen's insight is very deep for me because when I do seek to offer some of God's love to others there are risks. The last few weeks have been a combination of being very heavy and feeling unable to move and also being carried by her. We need people who can offer and be with us in moments of sorrow. The danger has been that I'd forgotten or not realized this truth of the other wanting to possess. But now things have changed and must also change deeper down.

Listen

2010-02-20T11:02:00.004-05:00

Listen to your life.
See it for the fathomless mystery it is.
In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness:
touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it
because in the last analysis all moments are key moments,
and life itself is grace. Frederick Buechner

I must continue to learn to enjoy the present moment but I still worry and anticipate or plan about the future. Can I let go at times? Even in the middle of pain, sadness and anxiety it is possible to find the hand of God at work in my life. Perhaps I live too much by desiring to see and not enough by the other senses of listening, feeling, tasting or smelling.

The hand of God

2010-02-18T21:02:00.003-05:00

What can I believe? I carved this hand based on the verse in Isaiah 29:16 "I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

I need faith and prayers that things will work out and our relationship will run its course because so many miracles have come together to bring us together and to make us one. Today in a meeting we were asked where the limits of our faith are in what God might do regarding our ministry. But this applies to this relationship and the many questions around family permission and visa.

Our names are carved into this hand to remind us that there is a truth that God will not forget us, especially as he has brought us so far.

Eyes to see

2010-01-19T11:28:00.005-05:00

Martyn Lloyd-Jones has asserted that rather than judging Scripture by our own experience (or our lack of it) we should be judging our experience by Scripture. C S Lewis put things another way. I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

With the massive suffering in Haiti, and the smaller stuff but equally deeply felt by those close to me, we can get stuck in the "Why?" question. Rather than seeking to find God wherever we can, in whatever way possible. In the 9/11 tragedy the stories took sometime to come out to expose the hope and light in the darkness. Look closely, have eyes to see. But also we need hands to work to bring light and hope in difficult situations. Compassion should flow from the loving relationship we have with God.

Love and Friendship

2010-01-07T09:40:00.003-05:00

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, ... interests, or ... histories. ... more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I learned personally a long time ago that no-one can take away personal pain. We can numb it, deaden it using alcohol or pain medicine, but actually it is still there underneath. We can seek distraction but it is still there. She cried much of yesterday when I was away from her and later when she was with me. Words can cause so much pain and given in rejection. But I cannot take away the pain, only be a friend.

Friendship is an important aspect of human relationships and essential to being-with another person. A spiritual director is sometimes called soul friend, someone who accompanies another. I am learning the importance of being a friend in every situation. for friendship can make all of life shine brightly even in the middle of the darkest night. I know that for the many I call friend in their difficult life situations. God give them his shalom.

Love and weakness

2010-01-04T09:37:00.005-05:00

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I'm learning that love requires vulnerability and openness. When love is exercised in strength there very different products or results to when we operate out of weakness. In weakness we need the other, in fact we recognize our need of the other when we recognize our weakness rather than strength. Life is fragile and walking in the snow might seem a beautiful thing, however when we see it as a comforting duvet in which we want to rest or sleep, life becomes fragile. A dangerous episode.

Seoul had 25 cm of snow yesterday worst snow fall for 41 years and the city ground down to a halt. The Korean determination or will power or strength of will I love but is also contains danger or risk when exercised without care.

nick name, love, and the future

2010-01-02T21:03:00.005-05:00

I got the wrong animal my 다람쥐 is a chipmunk and not a squirrel. Similar animals but one is cuter and not called a tree rat. She really is a challenge and a joy.

Life takes incredible turns. I've decided to take a leave of absence for a year from the Dmin. Too many major life changes. increased responsibilities in my employing agency and this possible soul mate and help mate as well.

I felt it was a wise decision to put everything academic on hold to sort out these major aspects of my life. I'm happy to put things on pause with the stresses of relationship to run its course. The current situation is exposing God's providence and grace are bringing forth new depths to my experience of the divine in daily life. Every day is a bit of a struggle with highs and lows. Somehow we assume love smoothes everything out. But that's not true. Shakespeare's Love is Blind is really a lie. A Korean saying says you cannot hide a cough, sneeze or love.

As I prepared talks over the Christmas period I realised the Christmas is about love and a desired relationship. The cost was extremely high and involved great vulnerability and the possibility of rejection. But the love wasn't blind, it was a clear chosen act, a giving of self.

... love also takes the form of the incarnation of God. The divine Beloved becomes man. he enters the realm of God's created love. He is now loved as one of creation. Reversely, being united to the Word made flesh, human persons enter the realm of God's immanent love. To be one with the Christ means to share the divine filiation and to receive the Father's love. George H Tavard A Way of Love page 66

For my current situation seems providential with miracles, voices, and discernable divine action - what remains is whether for a season or a lifetime? I have to trust that things will work themselves out.

Love languages

2009-12-11T19:27:00.003-05:00

I gave her the plant first a while ago and it grew and had to be cropped and it is now two plants. But 10 days ago I carved this spoon for her. A fusion of cultures. The practice or carving love spoons is a Welsh habit I don't know when it dates from but I wanted to do something special. It has Chinese and Korean carved into the surface and then stained. The inner wood takes the staining more intensely, hence the dark lettering.

Chapman's 5 languages of love are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These in a sense are the communication mediums of love. I'm weird because I like all and love to do all. perhaps its more a matter of balance not to exclude one. But love needs to find its roots, source and sustenance in God. For love is like a plant which need feeding and being watered.

God has so impregnated the soul with his own life that it can no longer love itself except in God and for God. God always remains the primary object of our love (177) Marriage is a synthesis of every love known to the heart of man. Nothing could be truer, for it makes it appeal to the most physiological love , which is sexual attraction, as well as the most spiritual love, which is charity [read charitas, agape, or Christian love] (187) Charles V Heris The Spirituality of Love

Life and the future

2009-11-20T12:56:00.001-05:00

Not a real picture but this is a squirrel and represents my 다람쥐. I have no idea about what the future holds ( I know what I desire but that's not inevitable!) but I can say that the roller coaster of emotions continue for me. Life involves significant changes, which I welcome and desire. I covet your prayers and many different things need to be sorted out.

But to have two senior and experienced friends/colleagues validate this journey with her and this has given us courage for the future. For we have seen God's hands in the path so far and look to the future.

Sleep calls

2009-11-19T23:08:00.004-05:00

I am emotionally tired even exhausted. Love may be patient and kind but it demands and delivers both joy and sadness in the same moment. After far too many years she has given me courage to face the dentist albeit a sedation dentist. This is liable to be expensive but the fear is tangibly real and why I have avoided it for so long.

Love has been long in the coming some 20 years, in fact longer than when I last saw the dentist. I am happy after months of struggling with my emotions and my Christmas cactus has come into bloom to celebrate. But how can I tell those around me? It's been tough and I have leaked some information already but this is the beginning of my public declaration. Someone has truly touched my heart and brought significant changes. I am trying to keep tidy and wash dishes, cook food at home, keep up with my laundry, eat healthily and in fact have lost over 7 pounds in weight!

She has been there in all my recent moments of need. Thanks be to God.

cleaning and clearing

2009-11-14T12:07:00.000-05:00

The cleaning has slowed down but is still happening. Now I must deal with new old things in my life. Sometimes we allow the past to shackle us and events and memories are like lead weighing us down. We need to find healing and a new space to live. I’ved loved the concept of ereignis as a philosophical idea from Heidegger. Often translated as an event, Hubert Dreyfus defined it as "things coming into themselves by belonging together." I see it as a conceptual clearing in the forest or place of meeting. I'm in that little place where you can see the sky.

Let the redeemed of the Lord say this, Those he redeemed from the land of the foe, Those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and sea Some wandered in desert wastelands Finding no way to a city where they could settle they were hungry and thirsty And their lives ebbed away. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble And he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straightway To a city where they could settle. Psalm 107: 2-8

Falling and being alone

2009-11-13T11:41:00.005-05:00

Last night brought home one of the dangers of living alone, I slipped and fell down the stairs. I was seeing the Bible study group out of the apartment and my feet went from under me and I landed on my elbows and back/shoulder. Don't think anything is broken. I was so embarrassed that I pushed everyone out and went upstairs again to ice my elbows. I did feel a lot of pain but at that point I was alone. Thank God I had my cell phone in my pocket and I called for help. She was with me within half an hour.

Yes I'm OK. missing a layer of skin and bruises on both elbows, but OK. My back is sore again and have probably set back my recovery. I was a bit shocked and I fell right asleep later when I lay on my air mattress. (The loft bed being a little dangerous.) I'm resting today and sleeping trying to avoid doing anything stupid. I thank God for her.

God and the why, where, who of God?

2009-11-12T11:57:00.002-05:00

I know how to love you beyond just me and you … You are only a stage along my rise toward God. Antoine Saint- Exupery Citadelle

I read this on Oct 26 2009.

… human love can join two people together only on one condition that it makes them love each other in something greater than themselves. And since this something greater is entirely spiritual and divine, it is finally spiritual love alone which can draw us away from ourselves and project us toward the other in a gift of absolute sincerity. Charles V Heris Spirituality of Love

On Saturday I made this my first soapstone carving. It marks a significant change in my life and perhaps also the future. Who knows what will come?

Falling in love

2009-10-14T09:41:00.000-04:00

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything. Pedro Arrupe, S.J.

What exactly is a healthy intimacy? I am privy to deep parts of people's lives and wrote to a friend recently as we discussed the nature of love and the dimensions and different parts or forms of Love - "For me the tension is very real in loving another so deeply and feeling their experiences, that that loving doesn't cross over into falling in love. A very real risk." Pedro Arrupe I think points to a falling in love with God but there is a wider aspect to be considered.

Thanksgiving

2009-10-12T21:48:00.003-04:00

Today I give thanks for so many things perhaps the clearing and new aspects rising in my life as I make space in the apartment. Putting in 12 hours and producing a startling meal for 120 people was a crazy journey and yet it went well. I give thanks to God for Natalie and Andrew without whom it would not have happened. For Rosanne and others who pulled everything through and worked so hard.

Probably most of all I I give thanks that I can have a sense of gratitude for life itself. Even though my vertigo has come back and my back doesn't work properly and occasionally I fall over because my balance isn't working quite right, somehow I am glad I can feel good, sometimes feel sad , feel the pain and struggles of others. Recently I learned about the struggles of others who have been deeply affected by the insensitive remarks of siblings and sense of worthlessness. Yet I had cause to learn in a recent Bible study that not are we loved by God but precious for God has put his image in/on us.

I am so tired at the moment I'm going to bed now...

Dust, Dirt and Detritus

2009-09-21T13:54:00.003-04:00

... That is to say, you reason should not be covered up with worldly affairs, trivial thoughts, and bodily passions but should always be rising above the things of the world as much as it can. If you do this you are bound to discover all the dust, filth, and tiny motes in your house (Why? because he is light); ... In this way you are bound to find Jesus ... It is not a job for an hour or a day but for many days and year with toil and sweat of body and travail of the soul. Walter Hilton The Ladder of Perfection

I have been continuing my struggling with the spiritual discipline of cleaning and it took a new sense of meaning for me today as I read a section from Walter Hilton. He was alluding to Luke 15:8 the woman searching for a lost coin. In this cleaning physically my apartment there are spiritual and emotional struggles as well. I have to face down those things which I have kept hidden, exactly the dust, dirt and detritus of who I am. I have to exercise strong willpower and self-control and in it all finding Jesus and a way to life.

The key problem is all this cleaning seems never ending! My desk cleared and cleaned last week already has a light film of dust again. Perhaps because I'm still moving boxes and books etc around and back and forth out of my bedroom. I'm pleased with myself that I washed my bedding 9 days after getting my new mattress. Almost unheard of in a single male. That's why disciplines are so tough and yet lead to habits and eventually virtues.

Losses

2009-09-19T09:59:00.002-04:00

Is loss necessary? Judith Viorst wrote a book I read years ago called Necessary Losses. In my own purging of my apartment I am beginning to suspect my tiredness is linked to an element of loss even though I am achieving freedom from being shackled down to all this stuff I have accumulated. I have been going to bed before 11pm which is unheard of. I think this is healthy loss still with a cost.

My boss loss his father last Sunday and went straight to the airport from the bedside. That's tough, and in that loss I remember my own father's disappearance; I returned home from a holiday to a quiet household, his body already gone. Lord Tennyson's poem Morte d'Arthur is a special piece for me because if this little piece as Arthur dying is placed in a barge and set off.

More things are wrought by prayer Than this world dreams of. Wherefore, let thy voice Rise like a fountain for me night and day. For what are men better than sheep or goats That nourish a blind life within the brain, If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer Both for themselves and those who call them friend?

Losses may be necessary, an inevitable part of life but that does not diminish the pain created by an absence, by the space left empty in a life. Freedom isn't everything.

Seeing and asking and smelling

2009-09-18T17:56:00.001-04:00

I was talking to my neighbour because last Sunday I watched many women coming out of the local Orthodox church with a branch or handful of a green plant. I discovered that this is a tradition that comes from the time of Constantine, a Roman emperor who embraced the Christian faith giving it official status in the Empire. His mother Helen is reputed to have found the remains of the cross. St Helen took part of the wood and nails with her to Constantinople where Constantine gave orders to build at Jerusalem the Church of the Resurrection.

The temple was constructed in about ten years. St Helen did not survive until the dedication of the temple, she died in the year 327. The church was consecrated on September 13, 335. On the following day, September 14, the festal celebration of the Exaltation of the Venerable and Life-Creating Cross was established. The basil grew where the Holy Cross was found. Tradition tells that the aroma of the basil attracted Saint Helena and she ordered the workmen to dig there. Incidentally basil (βασιλικός) in Greek means kingly, royal. I feel honoured that my neighbour gave me a sprig of basil from her porch. The smell of basil took a new twist in meaning for me and so did my relationship with my neighbour.

Supposedly basil helps to promote higher states of awareness and open the heart and mind. It has an extraordinary antispasmodic action that makes it useful in the treatment of muscular cramps, all respiratory tract infection, asthma, and bronchitis. The oil possesses antiviral, anti-infectious and antibacterial properties and is uplifting and stimulating and helps chase away the blues. Perhaps I should start growing it?

Nothing new under the Sun

2009-09-16T17:52:00.002-04:00

I’ve been clearing into the deeper corners of my bedroom and so much dust and stuff has been cleaned sorted or gone down the stairs and out the front door. I’m working on two file boxes of talks I gave in the period 1986-1992. A long time ago but the OHP acetates I prepared are works of art or graphic design with a wide use of colour and different fonts and images and pictures. I even hand tinted the black and white pictures!

What surprised me was the outlines of the talks were pretty similar to those now. I’m still going on about the same things. What is it they say? Preachers/teachers really only have one message? I’m beginning to think its true. Probably I’m still asking the same question “So where’s your passion?” Perhaps in deeper ways with more information but the question is still the same. Does this mean I haven't grown or changed if the issues are still the same?

Health and Dust

2009-09-07T09:27:00.007-04:00

Day 9 of my back trouble saga. My back is getting better with no sharp pains but a ban against riding the bike and lifting heavy weights. Both I had to do for the the BBQ on Saturday, (don't tell my chiropractor). We had far more people than we first expected or planned for and had to sort out extra food. But on the day, donations made the food even greater than we needed.

I still have the dull ache in my legs but the vertigo seems less again. Somehow adversity and troubles has brought something good. With the clear up, yesterday I could have a small birthday dinner at my place which is the first in two years! It felt so good having people around the table eating.

Strangely last night, a little almond nut turned up on the floor of the kitchen. It was almost a repetition of Totoro again. This whole episode in my life can only be described as an experience of the sacred or holy. New freedom and deepening relationships as each little event contributes to the next. For example, last night Iris and Naomi were delayed for dinner, so Dickie decided to lift and remove the old stair carpet. A dust trap and also liability as it is quite frayed etc. Today as I write and reflect I am increasingly aware that perhaps my ill-health over the last few years is also related to bad air quality and dust! Of course physical, emotional and spiritual health are interlinked and this journey is headed in a good direction.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman 8:28

The third day

2009-09-01T07:13:00.002-04:00

Somehow three days into my back incident and I feel like this infirmity has been a catalyst for the good. People have been helping me clear and clean and a carpet of dust is now gone. I feel a new ordering.

The strangest thing is in the anime My Neighbour Totoro the little girl Mei follows a trail of nuts left on the ground. In clearing my living room we found a hazelnut in the corner and immediately thought of Totoro. Stuff is going out the door and I am feeling new freedom. Just to keep up the momentum is important and key to moving forwards. This set back is bring movement forward in unimagined ways. But still so much left to do. In all this I am feeling blessed.

crazy or reasonable

2009-08-30T22:12:00.004-04:00

My current back trouble isn't due to this crazy event carried out by my colleagues and boss. I simply shot this video off my camera. This ruined swing bridge was encounter half way through our sabbath celebration of ministry, though I wonder about the reasonableness of jumping from a bridge into a channel used by boating traffic. Enjoy these crazy people.

Brokenness and need

2009-08-29T10:38:00.005-04:00

The picture describes how I feel this morning. My back has gone again. After a good few years of freedom, it's happened again. The old injury has reasserted itself and the pinched nerve pain is back. This morning it took me 5 minutes to roll around trying to find a position so I could get up out of bed, without shooting pains. I feel so frustrated but successfully got to the bathroom. I felt so insecure needing to use wall doors etc to help me walk, or even move.

Back pain is a major problem yet the pain in the legs and backside aren't where the problem is. The ache is referred from a pinched nerve in my back. The shooting pains are, I think, linked to the nerve and muscles which tense trying to protect me. Yet because of the tension I have no back strength to move rather generate more pain when I move.

I have reached that situation where I'm really struggling and pure will power is not enough. About 10 days ago, Iris smiled in a situation where I bit off more than I could chew and told me that she felt good because I needed her. She's an international who came to help me. I must remember that in my ability to serve and help that I must also learn to receive. For some it is vice versa, but for me it is to allow others to help me in my need. For some it is the spiritual discipline of service, perhaps others it is the spiritual discipline of discipline of being served. For me often my identity is based in what I do or can do, yet true relationship has some aspect of reciprocity, on a human to human level this should be mutuality. But on the divine to human level we encounter something very different. We serve and yet we are also served.

In this time I'm struggling. I have to be open to being served with all the implications that are involved.

Worship and Musical miracles

2009-08-27T10:27:00.002-04:00

Years ago I was handed a copy of Grantley Morris' In Tune with God. It quite formative because it raise my expectations about worship and music in particular. You can download a copy from here or you can listen to podcast versions (I haven't check these) here. The subtitle The Quest for Music Miracles gives a lot away. It is a study into the spiritual, the metaphysical, the supernatural, or miraculous side of worship. My lasting memory are the accounts of jubilation, the phenomenon where the singing moves beyond the sum total of the individuals singing, where supposedly the angels of heaven join in. In my current clear up I rediscovered my printed out copy and deciding to dispose of the individual printed sheets instead I found versions on the internet to store on my hard drive.

I believe I have had experiences of jubilation a number of times in my life. While they are thrilling and as a musician and worship thinker I am fascinated by the phenomenon, they are only somethings and experiences. Ultimately Christian spirituality is about falling in love with someone.

Fixing stuff but it's only repaired

2009-08-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

Iris, one of the internationals I work with, broke her glasses. She uses contacts but uses the glasses at home. It would be crazy to buy a new pair so soon so I decided to try and fix them. There are a lot of problems given that it was the nose piece. In the end I drilled 2 very fine holes and stitched them together with copper wire. With hindsight I should have used steel wire. Anyhow the threads weren' strong enough by themselves even with epoxy. So I had to make an epoxy putty shell or cast to bridge the gap. Not a beautiful repair, but no worse than a plaster cast on your arm or leg. The trouble is the human body repairs itself and so the cast is eventually no longer needed but of course the glasses cannot.

I'm frequently troubled how many people around lack caution assuming or behaving as if things will sort themselves out. The trouble is that we are all accountable in one way or another for action or inaction. In the classic theological formulation the sins of commission and omision. War crimes tribunals do not accept the fact that "I was only following orders" as an adequate excuse. As I understand it every Israeli soldier is capable to assuming command as and when required to do so. There's a whole lot of stuff in this world that can be repaired but never really fixed. The damage has been done! Eeverything thereafter is a patched repair, something put together.

Effects,prayer, wishes

2009-08-22T14:59:00.001-04:00

You wonder whether you have an effect. Whether anything you say has an effect. Two weeks ago I filled in one of those surveys having bought something from Shoppers Drug Mart. I noted that I couldn’t find my favourite toasted coconut marshmallows snacks and I also said something about looking for special sale items.

Guess what last week there they were on sale, a rack full of them by the cash desks. Did my comment have an effect? Difficult to say. Lin Yutang, a Chinese philosopher who studied and published in the US has a number of books I read the most well known being the Importance of Living. In it is a chapter called if my memory is correct "Why I am not a Christian." Although from a strongly Christian family the death of his mother had a depe effect on him. While an aunt prayed that it would not rain at the funeral for his mother and it didn't, he could not believe that a God would be interested enought to do such a thing.

Yet Edwrad Lorenz, a weather modeller and father of chaos theory, formulated that complex systems behaviour can be modelled with very simple equations and minor variations can produce wildly varying results. Philip Merilees later concocted Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas? I wonder if we can say that an individual's prayer can be paralleled here. Perhaps it is less a matter of ciritical mass and more about timing and being part of the same connected system?

Clearing up and old jobs

2009-08-20T14:45:00.000-04:00

Well I'm still clearing up and tackling old jobs. These 3 chairs I recovered from the garbage probably 5 years ago. The cane in the seats was broken. I can tell you which street and which section of the street I got them. They like many of my other folding chairs are like family. Anyhow I finally bought the materials, researched on the internet the relevant information and started the first. I made a few mistakes on the first and broke a few strands. On the second I broke fewer strands however number three I broke none. I discovered that you have to push the strands of cane towards the slot and then downwards. Important information not covered in anything I'd read before.

There is no substitute for experience: Whether practical skills of repairing chairs or the spiritual life. I know my understanding comes from the practice, from the struggles and from rising above the difficulties. At the moment I have to make clearing up a spiritual discipline because the disorder is affecting my own mental, emotional and spiritual state.

String together

2009-08-19T14:31:00.000-04:00

I happened on Dr Draw a band with a pretty unusual line up. Dr [Eugene] Draw an electric violin player together with a 5 string celloplayer, elctric harpist, keyboard, electric guitar, bass and drums. They play a fascinating fusion of classical, rock and jazz. Sometimes being in the right place at the right time and that day at the Taste of the Danforth I caught their afternoon stripped down and punkesque set and later in the rain in the evening a more gentler version.

Check out my music blog for a short clip I got with my little digital camera.

The Heart of Mentoring - Book review

2009-08-17T17:38:00.002-04:00

The Heart of Mentoring: Ten Proven Principles for Developing People to Their Fullest Potential, by David A. Stoddard with Robert Tamasy

Navpress is a great publisher of books on discipleship and mentoring and I learned mentoring through Navigator’s own Paul D. Stanley co-writing ‘Connecting ‘with J. Robert Clinton and Regent College’s founder, James Houston’s ‘The Mentored Life. All published by Navpress.. Initially I confess some disappointment reading this new book, finding it a substantially lighter read. Perhaps the simplicity of the main idea that mentoring is essentially founded in meaningful relationship and the subtext that there is no difference between discipling and mentoring, is my problem. Reading the back cover and internal commendations from US corporate leaders and the extensive reference to the Harvard Business Review and FORTUNE magazine, revealed that this book is not written for me, someone in the academic arena, to read. This book is written for the corporate business person to encourage them to take their faith seriously beyond the churches doors and into the work and home environments. The message is Go out and make a difference.

There are plenty of stories from the corporate career journey; many examples and situations to resonate with. It tries to resist the “how to” approach of a method rather introducing what Christians would call fellowship into mentoring. If you want the theory read Houston’s book, the different models read Stanley’s, if you want the motivational talk then read this book by Stoddard.

Feeling settled

2009-08-07T09:26:00.004-04:00

You have riches and freedom here [in the West], but I feel no sense of faith or direction. You have so many computers, why don't you use them in the search for love? Lech Walesa (leader of Poland's anti-communist movement in the 1980s)

Feeling comfortable can lead easily to complacency. Summer is the season of fresh fruit and exotic tasty fruits. I transition from dried to fresh but there are some that are large and tasteless. These have been forced, picked early and ripened en route. Our lives are often tasteless and full of stuff without meaning or shape. It was Augustine who said in his autobiography that he was restless until he found his rest in God. Perhaps we need to maintain a pilgrim-on-a-journey stance right through our lives.

In Allport's work, a psychologist of religion, the idea of an intrinsic and extrinsic faith was developed. The latter is a faith grounded in practices attending church, Bible studies etc. The former, rooted in internal values and motivation. Followers have developed a further category of quest where seemingly this dimension is a contributor to significant maturity. We get stuck and often in the extrinsic place. We sound and look right but there is no interior transformation.

This last weekend I was speaking at a church conference about the dangers of our current image culture it's shallowness and meaninglessness. We are so focussed on being noticed and recognized and looking right. This has been a shift from our idol culture which placed money, sex, and power as gods to be worshiped. I wondered if we need to think of ourselves as icons either as windows to God or representations of God. if we are are open and willing we can truly be God's artworks.

Another try at clearing up

2009-08-05T14:48:00.003-04:00

Well. What can I say? return from speaking at a church retreat on Romans 12 and now I need to try and tackle the home again. Why is there some much junk mail? I have so much paper which goes straight into the recycling bin at the front door and still my place is full!

The Getting Things Done (GTD) empire talks about have a central point bin/box or trays where everything ends up. I suspect that is the beginning of the problem and I just don't have that. I need to work on that before anything else except I have no space to generate that gathering point!

Still I've decided to continue the slow move to digitize large portions of my world. The slow ripping of CD's onto my hard drive and boxing up the CD's which have occupied a large amount of space around the apartment. Today I boxed up songbooks that I not longer use. But I have to be far more drastic soon.

I'm still struggling a but but the lead balloon of SAD isn't really there at the moment. Just the energy to keep at things until everything is tidied up. God give me strength and courage to deal with all this stuff.

Got to get more stuff out of the front door. Yet biking home yesterday I saw 4 bikes in the garbage. One folding one made it home with me because the frame is in better condition than 2 other frames I have. Now I have to decide how to consolidate the bits and make another good bike before getting rid of the excess parts.

Friends Reunited

2009-08-02T09:57:00.000-04:00

Encouragment comes in many different ways. I'm on the website Friends Reunited and got an email recently from my past, in the region of 27-30 years ago. That's really the past! Keith from my Cru days. I knew him as a 12 year old and I was one of his youth leaders.

Sometimes you never know whether you made a difference or not but to find out he has remained in the faith and serving in leadership is a breath of fresh cool air. I've been reading a book on mentoring and will be posting a book review here soon. One of the things the book raises about mentoring and working with young people is the issue of legacy. Do we leave no trace? Ascribing to the idea of negative ecological footprint no-one ever knew you were there or do we leave legacies.

Several of my recent internationals have struggled intensely but I am genuinely touched when one said "I don't know God but I know you!" and another "[God] sent me you. It means that he haven't abandon me yet."

Who am I?

2009-08-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

... it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I am more that what I do. I certainly am far more than what I make financially. I am certainly more than I feel. I'm a little worried about the Fall and September. The Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) I had last year was pretty bad and now I suspect I've been suffering for perhaps 2 years because I seem to have more energy than I've had for a long time. Yet I know I'm slowing down and I don't feel as great. But I hope things will change.

There are two signficant departures both Jen. jen who I've memtored and been around for many years through courtship and going to Harvard to eventually marrying and now off to Africa dn the great fearful and challenging experience. Also a dear friend from Regis is leaving the city and I will miss Jen discovering that combat is not the only model for academics but perhaps co-operation and friendship. We are more than our feelings and moods we are God's beloved children. So much work to be done here.

A lovely arrangement

2009-07-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

I'm posting this here on my main blog because it lifted me when I watched it. Friday I went to the Music Garden and looked at the flowers and garden arrangment while listening to Bach unaccompanied cello suite 1. I realised that music can reinterpret an external experience in a different way. The music becomes a soundtrack and narrates experience into new and differing ways.

psalm 100

2009-07-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

I was reworking psalm 100 for a small worship service recently.

Shout! Shout! Yell it all out.
I'm happy Lord
That - your glory, your majesty
your joy fills the earth
Everyone embrace the very fact
That- we are his artworks and his craftsmanship
We are his family,sitting and eating at his table.

Shout! Shout! Yell it all out.
We are thankful, grateful,
witnesses full of feelings of seen grace.
For the Lord is good
and his love endures forever.
For the Lord's faithfulness fill all of Time.

moving in the right direction

2009-07-27T09:45:00.000-04:00

I've bought an electric toothbrush. The first time I've owned one but perhaps a little late because of the condition of my teeth. Somehow I've really got to get enough courage to find a dentist and start the long course of treatment. I'm blessed with a benefits plan that covers sedation but still have to find that important movement in myself.

I have to find a dentist. A tiny step but huge for me as I deal with my fear of dentists. The electric toothbrush is too little too late but still a step in the right direction.

There is that Chinese saying that the journey of a thousand li begins with one step. I would add in the right direction.

As I prepare to speak for a church conference, I am pondering issues for Christians around image. How Western culture and many others affected by it are now an image culture. The trouble with image culture is its superficiality. It's all about looking right and sounding right but not about character and substance. Dealing with the core nature of the human person. Perhaps we are less a culture fixated with idols things that replace God and now focused on self and image. (see video series Century of the Self here) Yet perhaps we should be icons either in the classical spiritual sense of windows through which others can see God or in computer terms as points which lead to or represent a program or file in a visible way.

Videotape Radiohead

2009-07-26T14:52:00.002-04:00

I've been absent from blogging for over a month which has been a signficant amount of time for me. The problem is dial-up and bad connectivity and time to change provider. Sorry I'll be remedying things.

Sometimes the people you hang out with are great and I'm really blessed. I've been playing my electric cello at CATM for services avbout once a month and I really enjoy working with the pastor Matthew who also is the music mover and shaker. Infact a great worship arts and video maker as well. He ended up in the Radiohead video last summer, the older guy with the beard.

A mute point

2009-06-22T13:55:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a few weeks. problems of internet connections and adapting to dial-up. I'm the middle of summer school learning how to refine my thesis proposal. We learn together and the most interesting thing is so many of us seem to be working on aspects of discipling or spiritual formation. Why is the church shrinking? Even the larger churches are staying the same size even though there are many new people joining... There seems to be this issue that people are leaving as fast as they arrive at best and worst simply leaving and not being replaced.

One of my fellow D.Min students figures it is all about seriousness. I agree entirely somehow the loss of conviction, motivation and even drive. I've been asking why so many twenty somethings lose their passion and vaitality of faith sometime after leaving university. It's mute point but perhaps our passion is based on questioning and when everything is up for grabs.

Christlikeness

2009-06-13T15:35:00.002-04:00

“To facilitate this life with God, we become willing to do whatever we need to do to connect with God in the next ten minutes – even if it looks very different from what the people around us do or what has been described in a book. As we connect with God, we change.” (20)

If you are dissatisfied with your devotional life and the practice of daily Bible reading then Jan's book is a great introduction to Ignatian Gospel contemplation and other spiritual disciplines. What seems to set it apart is that rather than presenting the disciplines, nor presenting them as methods for change, it authentically “places Jesus in the center of your vision and lets Jesus lead...” This is more than a devotional read it seeks to help us rediscover Jesus in a transformative way as we attend soul school. I found much more a multilevel and multifaceted curriculum thus it is not something you do once rather it introduces you to the reflective life. Thus each chapter can be repeated with new insights that we might fulfill our calling to be truly Christlike. However this book is not a manual it contains many personal experiences and insights from her life and therefore it is humane and reasonable. Living or at least seeking to live a Christlike life is not for the elite but for all of us. It is simply a matter of the will and motives.

What spirituality style are you?

2009-05-11T09:37:00.003-04:00

The people at Natural Church Development are working on a new inventory about spirituality. You might like to try it at www.3colorsofyourspirituality.org .

I've completed their online survey and I'm interested that I seem pretty balanced now. Ten years ago it would have been different.

Rational Style - 121 ; Doctrinal Style - 111 ; Scripture-driven Style - 120 ; Sharing Style - 120 ; Ascetic Style - 115 ; Enthusiastic Style - 110 ; Mystical Style - 122 ; Sacramental Style - 110 ; Sensory Style - 100 ;

Rumours of Glory

2009-05-09T22:08:00.005-04:00

"The Sunday morning attendance shows how popular the church is. The Sunday evening attendance shows how popular the preacher is. The prayer meeting attendance shows how popular God is." source unknown.

Bruce Cockburn's song Rumours of Glory has been on my mind for the last 10 days or so. We need a constant experience or flashes of glory to maintain our faith and passion for God. Even in the ambivalence and pain of life, even in the uncertainties or struggles with believing any good can come out of a situation we need rumours of glory. This is hope, the reality of living faithful lives. Glimpses of something better than gold - God.

Smiles mixed with curses - The crowd disperses - About whom no details are known - Each one alone yet not alone - Behind the pain/fear - Etched on the faces - Something is shining - Like gold but better - Rumours of glory Bruce Cockburn

I live this way. This is foundational. This is the core. This is my reason and meaning. This has been laid bare in many ways recently and yet my heart is heavy because so many don't hear or see the rumours or glimpses of the glory of God in their lives. This is what discernment is all about. Not the happy false grin but joy that wells up even in the most difficult situations.

The parable of the shrewd/dishonest manager

2009-04-27T11:09:00.003-04:00

Yesterday someone came up to me and asked what Luke 16 was really about. To be honest, this is a really difficult parable so much that the NIV gives it one title and the NRSV almost the opposite. If we look at the following encounters and following parables to the shrewd/dishonest manager this seems to be part of a strand of teaching on material possessions: Serving 2 masters, the Pharisees – lovers of money, and the rich man and Lazarus. But if we look what is before, we find the cost of discipleship, what discipleship is about, who are disciples and why are they accepted. I think we can say that the parable covers the subject of money in the context of discipleship.

Why do I think this? Well there seems to be a key question in reading this parable. ‘Is the master in the parable, Jesus?’ and a second consequential one ‘Why does he approve the manager’s behaviour?’ Lets look at the second. Well the manager reduced the amount of money the people owe and the master approves. Perhaps because we forget corrupt business practices. When you have control of money it is easy to siphon off a part of the profits for yourself. Tax collectors during the Roman occupation seemed to do this. In many parts of the world today a bribe is necessary to get a government official to do something. Was the manager wasting squandering or neglecting his duty as steward of resources and service another master? Perhaps the manager in going around in fact was removing his cut/portion of the debt and therefore giving just treatment to those he has wronged. Perhaps his shrewdness was to right the wrongs he had done to others. Perhaps this is a reasonable understanding and allows us to say yes to the first and ‘because the lost manager has repented and returned home.’

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10